Oh happy day!
When the sky is gray and the sun is blue
When the rain falls upwards and the leaves don't fall at all
When the world stands still for just a moment and I can finally let out the breath I have been holding since the beginning of time
I am a light
Getting harder and harder to see through the layers of clothing I pile on
But I do not mind
I like when the wind bites at my ankles
And the sip of coffee burns the roof of my mouth
The posters on my wall look faded and crooked
My desk is messy like my thoughts
To my right, an unmade bed
To my left, an unpacked suitcase
That I can't seem to put away...
The sky is black now and the sun is gone
Something thin and dim has replaced it
The street echoes farther at night
The leaves still haven't fallen
The books on my desk have grown taller but how am I to read in this condition:
Cozy and uncaffeinated, the world too loud
My bed looks rigid and angry
The posters are singing and my shoes are whispering
But I just want to taste the sun again
I want to smell the gray sky
I long to feel gravity again
When I was little, if you asked what superpower I would choose, I absolutely would have said fire power. I had an unhealthy obsession with the bad-ass girl boss that is Lavagirl. She was the inspiration for my first character, my first book, and the game of which all of my childhood friends are aware.
When I was little, I probably would have told you that reading minds is overrated, teleportation is unnecessary, and invisibility is cliche. But back then, I didn’t care what anyone else thought, I had a mom to drive me around, and I didn’t have crippling anxiety that made me want to disappear.
If you asked me now, What superpower would you choose? I would absolutely say invisibility. There is something about being seen that is so unnerving.
Anyone could look at me on the street and think whatever they want. They see my face, my clothes, my posture, my expression. They perceive me how they like.
But what is it that being seen and still unknown that irks me? It’s the concept of the mask that I have convinced myself I have mastered. Not just the physical mask that I wear in a post-pandemic world, but the intangible one I put on every morning.
Whatever terrifying nightmares I had in the night, however long it took me to pull my aching body out of bed, whether or not I had the energy to fix my face and nourish my body, that is unbeknownst to the rest of the world. A secret I’ll never tell. That lies beneath the mask.
And the mask is not always a smile. Life is not simply a choice between the happy and sad. It’s a complex chaos of emotions and longings and rememberings. It’s a constant battle between confidence and ever-present insecurities.
And when you’re down, it’s a burning to relive those days where you were so happy and content that you felt invincible, impenetrable. Because today, every glance, every stare, feels like a threat. Like at any moment, the mask will be knocked out of place. Someone might see, someone might know that I woke up sobbing from a paralyzing nightmare, and that I couldn’t bring myself to get up on time or eat breakfast because I felt nauseous and terrified.
But the world doesn’t wait for me to feel better, and I don’t get to be invisible, so I put on a baggy sweatshirt and I pull out the mask from my back pocket.
I must learn, in this new environment, how to take care of myself on these days. When old coping mechanisms fail, you cry a little and find some new ones. It will take some trial and error, and some more tears along the way. Maybe it will take talking it out to someone or writing it down so that you can make some sense of it. But, for right now, it looks like a six-dollar latte. And, for right now, that will have to do.
Because the world doesn’t wait for me to feel better. And I don’t have a superpower.
This is my best effort at a blog! I really have no idea what I’m doing. For me, this is a place to dump my thoughts, share my life and opinions. If you know me, you know I tend to internalize things. Writing is my outlet. The notes app in my phone probably takes up more storage than anything else, so I thought, for a change, I would write some of my burning and fleeting thoughts down here.
Sophie Matossian 